I bet not far down the road we’ll be able to have credit card chips surgically implanted.
Christmas is the perfect time to say you’re busy. Better yet, too busy. It’s a great excuse, accepted in just about as many places as the American Express card, unless of course you’re talking about mine, which times being as they are these days, seems to have lost all of its magical buying power. I may even take it out of my wallet, or maybe I already have, I can’t remember.
You know, I bet not far down the road we’ll be able to have credit card chips surgically implanted. They already have those tiny little cards you can clip onto your key ring, but come on, who wants to lose their keys and their credit cards all at the same time? I suspect the implanted cards will be attached somehow to the lower intestines, so that when things go sour the company can deactivate it and the thing will just flush right out of your system. There’ll be phone calls first, naturally, warning you that you are at risk of being financially embarrassed.
“Mr. Ecklund, not only will your credit rating be adversely affected, but your charging privileges will be revoked.”
“Yes, I understand.”
“And are you aware of the flushing process that will occur?”
“No, not exactly.”
“It happens right there in the store, while you’re standing at the register. It can be very embarrassing. Have you ever lost control of your bowels in public before?”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“Well, if you’d take the time to read over the credit agreement that . . .”
“I don’t shop much.”
“Well, according to my records here, it appears that you once did.”
“I’ll just have to take my chances.”
“I’ll also remind you that all registers are card-sensitive, meaning that they detect the presence of a bad card, even without attempting to use it. Even using cash won’t save you from potential embarrassment this year, I’m afraid. Have you completed your Christmas shopping yet this year? Perhaps you’d like to make a payment now, over the phone. The funds can be withdrawn from your Life Force account, you know.”
“What’s the current exchange rate?”
“30.2 days per $1000. That rate is expected to drop, so you may want to act now.”
“I don’t know . . .”
“You’re young, Mr. Ecklund. Only 44. Plenty of exchange years left in you.
So much for the future, what about the present? Well, right here in Salem the other day, a man attacked a car with a samurai sword. Felipe T., 19, told police that he noticed a man following him closely, and that after becoming scared, he decided to run a stop sign in order to escape the man. The man, 48 year old Vernon S., also ran the stop sign, at which time the two cars crashed into each other. Witnesses report that Vernon S. then got out of his car with a three-foot long samurai sword and began attacking the window of Felipe’s car, quitting only after the sword broke into two pieces. The car window was not broken.
“I kept trying to pass him,” Vernon S. later told police. “I was flashing my high beams at him and kept following because I wanted to ask him why he wouldn’t let me pass.”
Vernon refused to explain about his sword.