One day Imaginary Keith stretched out his arm and showed me a new watch on his wrist. It was nothing fancy, and I wouldn’t have even noticed it if he hadn’t pointed it out.
“So, what do you think about my new watch?” he said, holding out his wrist.
The thing didn’t look that great to me. Most of the face was taken up by some sort of solar panel looking thing, and the actual numbers were tiny. And it looked like a couple of tiny wires ran out of the watch and disappeared under the cuff of his shirt, but I couldn’t be sure because he kept sweeping his hand around, like moving it around in small circles was the proper way to model a new watch. Nothing really seemed right.
“It looks good.” One small lie couldn’t hurt.
“This watch is going to change the way people live.” It was a bold statement, but nothing out of the ordinary. Imaginary Keith makes bold statements all of the time. I’d grown used to them over the years.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Ummm . . . let’s see . .” He held the watch up close to his face, tilting the face back and forth, apparently trying to catch the light or adjust the angle or read some secret code or something. I couldn’t tell. Apparently, neither could he.
“I don’t know. I still have a few kinks to work out.”
“What you mean you don’t know? What’s the watch say?”
“I can’t quite tell. I told you, there are still a few quirks to work through.”
“Quirks? You mean like numbers with a colon in the middle that you can actually see? Oh, I know. How about two thin sticks that circle around and point to numbers? Maybe you could invent that?”
“There’s no need to be a smart-ass about it. Telling time is just one of the things my new watch does.”
“Almost does.”
“Okay, yes, almost does. But telling time is the easy part. It’s the other thing this baby does that is so exciting.” Imaginary Keith now had the watch stretched out in front of my face, the index finger of his other hand frantically pecking at the glass.
“Did you just call your watch a baby?”
“No.”
“Yes you did. You were tapping at it and said ‘this baby.’ I heard you.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Well, you did. I know what I heard, and I heard the word ‘baby’.”
“Well, maybe I did. But I’m just excited. It’s inventor talk, you know. And salesman talk. All wrapped up in one.”
“I’m not so sure I could agree with that.” Imaginary Keith’s eyes were opening big and wide. He was getting himself all worked up.
“Sweet Jesus! Do you want to hear about this thing or not?”
“Of course I do. I just never heard anyone call their watch a baby before, that’s all.”
“I swear, can’t you ever stay focused? What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m eight years old. What do you expect? All I asked for was the time.”
I could see Imaginary Keith’s chest rise and fall as he sucked in a deep breath, calming himself down. You’d think, being the adult and all, that he wouldn’t be so easily riled. I could see him, focusing on the watch, thinking of what to say.
“This,” he began, “is no ordinary watch.”
“No, I know. It’s your baby.” He ignored me.
“Not only does it tell time . . . well, eventually, but it also functions as a human stat counter.”
“Oh. I see.” A human stat counter? I should have never asked for the time.
“Yes! That’s the exciting part. You just put this baby on and you can find out all kinds of things about the people around you.” I let it go, this time.
“Oh. I see.” Can imaginary friends even be repaired? How important is time anyway? And why would an eight year old need to know the time?
“I modeled it after the stat counters people put on their websites. Just a little code that checks names and locations and IP addresses and all that stuff. This watch is a lot like that, but way better. Way better! This baby’ll tell you everything!”
“Oh. I see.” Baby’ll? I wonder if you can sell imaginary friends on Ebay.
“Oh yea! This watch not only tells time . . . “
“Eventually.”
“But it let’s me know who is checking me out, and where they’re standing, and how long they checked me out for.”
“I see.”
“I’m not sure you appreciate just how exciting this is. This little watch right here is going to revolutionize the dating industry. No, no, no! This baby will revolutionize the relationship industry. I’m telling you, it’ll change the world.”
“I’ve never really thought of relationships as an industry. Now dating, on the other hand . . . “
“Will you listen?! Once everyone gets one of these on their wrist . . . Wait! Look! Look! Look! It’s going off! Someone’s checking me out! Right now! This very instant! It’s working!”
“It is?”
“Yes! Oh my god, this is exciting! It’s working!”
“Where are they?”
“I don’t know yet. I’m having a hard time reading the results.”
“What are they thinking?”
“I told you, I can’t quite tell. But I think they’re getting closer.”
“Closer? You mean, close like in the same country, or close like here they come now?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t had a chance to calibrate the range yet.”
“Well, let’s hope when they get here, they just don’t ask you for the time. That would definitely be a blow to the relationship industry.”