I live in a void of my own making, and read the newspaper once a year to stay in touch. My critics say that it will never work, but I somehow continue to manage to prove them wrong. My very existence, I tell them, should be proof enough. Current events do not make the man.
But anyway. Today was the day. I read the paper and am totally back in touch.
President Bush is in Canada easing tensions with the Canadians. Or he may just be scoping out the place. I didn’t actually read the entire article. Mostly just the headline. I am wondering though. If the United States takes over Canada (larger draft base), what will happen to those people who dodged the draft back whenever? And what about that Canadian silver dollar proof coin I bought back in sixth grade? What’s going to happen to that? I better get reimbursed dammit.
And some of the major sports companies are complaining because Adidas won’t follow the rules about logo size when it comes to the U.S. Olympians’ uniforms. The Adidas logo is too big. It’s giving them an unfair market advantage, and on and on and on.
Do you think that the I Love Lucy show has enough of a loyal following that I could press to have the national anthem changed to that sound that Lucy makes whenever things go wrong. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa. Everyone could sing it, I’m almost sure. Simple words. Historically significant. And very apropos. Airborne Rangers could even scream it as they dove into battle.
But enough about marketing and fair play. What about human interest? What’s going on in the world of people?
Well, it looks like it’s mostly about being scared or murdered. Some man has somehow shot and killed a whole covey of hunters somewhere in Wisconsin. The story varies, depending on which side of the hunting stand you’re standing on. Apparently the group dispensed with the singing of my newly proposed national anthem and went right into the first event - gun play. Who shot first is the great mystery, which will be left up to a jury to decide. Let’s hope one of those jurors was in a nearby tree stand and saw the whole thing, or else there’s going to be no getting at the truth. Sweet Jesus! Fishermen can’t even be counted on to accurately describe fish that have gotten away. How do we expect a group of hunters to have remained calm, observant, and collected with bullets flying every which way?
I went deer hunting once and shot a doe out of season. It was no glorious moment, and nothing to brag about, but at least I didn’t end up dead. My only salvation lies in the fact that it happened during my family’s lean, backwoods days. We needed the meat. We were broke and hungry. Supposedly I was a hero, although I can say that I haven’t shot a deer since.
On the sports front, the local sports editor was complaining about how money has ruined college sports programs all across the country. He’s a good man and probably right, but it sounded a bit national anthemish to me. Of course money is ruining college sports. That’s not breaking news. But I read the article anyway, mostly because we’d installed the landscape around his home several years ago. There’s just something about tending to someone else’s drainage problem that links you for the rest of your natural life. Taking care of another person’s problems creates a bond, whether you like it or not. So I read Jim’s article. Right on, Jim! That Notre Dame guy should never have been fired! Sweet Mother of Mary! Where is the justice?
I read a lot more, but since I also drank a large beer with my lunch, I’m having trouble remembering any of it.
I remember that cougars are moving in, getting closer and closer. They had to shoot one right out of a tree at an apartment complex. Almost sounds like a problem that a homeowner would expect their landscaper to take care of for them. But as for cougars moving in, I think we all know that’s not quite the case. People are moving out, further and further. We’re a damn nuisance, that’s what we are.
Oh, and there was one last thing. There was a great photograph of a woman kicking off the holiday shopping season by shopping at her local Wal-Mart. Maybe the same picture was in your local paper. I hope so. You can’t miss her. She looks scared and her arms are piled high with four boxes - two fondue pots and two . . . oh damn . . . I’ve gone and forgotten. But whatever they were, they were smaller then fondue pot boxes. The woman might have looked scared, but she was an efficient stacker.
I should point out, however, that I am in no way making fun of the woman. I know she’s helping the economy by spending her hard-earned dollars. Besides, whenever I go into Wal-Mart, I look exactly the same way.