Face to face with what seems will be an endless supply of reality television ideas, I took it upon myself to form a new advertising agency last weekend. The way I see it, the old commercials just aren’t working anymore, and I’m proof positive. I don’t think I’ve gone out and bought anything in days, maybe even weeks. Imagine if commercials just stop working, and we all stop buying things. What would happen then? What would become of us? Just the idea of it was enough to frighten me into a whole new line of business.
So let me present to you Reality Advertising. An agency with it’s eye on the future and it’s finger on the pulse of current day America. We hear what you want, we feel what makes you tick, and we’re here to tell you that we will deliver.
Reality Advertising kicked things off late last Saturday night with a small brainstorming session. To get things headed in the right direction, I’ve hired a small army of reality experts who just happen to also be excellent beer drinkers, and we sat around pounding them down as we came up with our first big campaign. I’m telling you, you’re going to want to keep your eyes on these people. They’re the next big hitters in the world of advertising. I’m not saying they’re going to change the way you live, but I can promise you they’ll change the way you think. Give us a year, and you’re going to be wondering how you ever went out shopping without our help.
As our name suggests, we’re all about reality, and with so much reality television coming your way, it’s only natural that you’re begging for some reality advertising to go along with it. So we asked ourselves, as we sat around drinking beer - just what is the heart and soul of reality television? What is it that people really want? What drives them? What makes them tick?
Well, it seems that at the core of every person is something petty and small, and dangling a little money or fame or food or sex in front of this thing, and having your cameras and scripts ready to go, result in what we call reality television. Hours and hours of pure enjoyment, watching people maneuver around each other, trying their best to feed the hunger of the small, petty thing inside of them, while at the same time trying to poke each other in the eyes.
But I don’t care about that. What I’m interested in is the advertising. Reality advertising.
Our first client just happens to be a condom company, which suits us just fine. Condoms, after all, are a hard sell (yes, yes, I know, after so many beers, we sat around and laughed about that one too). What other product out there is designed for something that you can’t even show on television? The way we look at it, condoms are begging for a little touch of reality.
Anyway, this condom company contacted us right away when they heard what we were all about. You see, this is a new type of condom, yet unnamed, that will soon be released to the general public. You’ll know the one I’m talking about right away when you see it. It’s the new condom designed for the ever hopeful, yet unsuccessful man. Yes, that’s right. A new condom designed for the common man. The man who never sees any action. And believe me, it’s a large market. (yes, I know, more laughing around the brainstorming table.)
The secret behind the new condom is it’s longevity. (I know, I know) Made from a nearly indestructible, flexible polymer, the new condom will last nearly forever. (We recommended to the manufacturer that they include a disclaimer stating that this referred to the unwrapped condom, and did not imply any type of improved sexual prowess.)
Our commercial so far is coming together nicely. We’ve decided to go with what is known in the industry as The Tampon Approach, which basically means two people having an unbelievable conversation in an equally unbelievable situation. You know, like two women oohing and ahhing over the incredible absorbency of just about anything. (ooohhh . . . ahhhhh . . . that’s awesome . . . more comfortable? . . . . What? With wings? . . . . Count me in!!! . . . blah, blah, blah)
Anyway, we’re pitching this new condom using The Tampon Approach. Imagine these two guys standing around discussing condoms. Let’s call them Bob and Dick, just for kicks.
Bob: Hey Dick, what are you doing with all these old condoms in your underwear drawer?
Dick: Nothing. Why do you ask?
Bob: Are you crazy? Look here! (pointing at the sides of a long string of condoms) These condoms are expired!
Dick: You’re kidding me? I just bought those!
Bob: Yeah, in 1982.
(the two share a good laugh)
Bob: What you need is a big box of Everlast Condoms.
Dick: Everlast Condoms? I’ve never heard of them.
Bob: They’re new and improved, and designed for the common guy. Like you and me Dick.
Dick: That sounds good.
Bob: And better yet, laboratory tests have shown that the new and improved Everlast Condom will last nearly 80% longer sitting around unused in a man’s underwear drawer. It just makes sense.
Dick: Count me in! Now let’s go meet some ladies! (Pulls out an early 80’s disco shirt from the closet. More shared laughter. Camera zooms in to dresser drawer and box of Everlast Condoms, nestled in between the underwear.
Voiceover: For the man who might get lucky. Someday. Everlast.