Archives

In the future, you will be able to buy not only a human, but have their brain surgically removed and replaced with the brain of your favorite pet.  Cat brain transplants will be most popular, due to the long hours this human pet spends sleeping, resulting in an easy to care for companion.  Dog brain transplants, also high on the list, will more times then not result in a loyal companion that the whole family can enjoy for many years. 

A vigorous black market will flourish around all human pets who turn out to be “Humpers”.

Within three years of their introduction, sales of human pets will exceed robotic sales worldwide, and within five years, 92.4% of homes will own at least one. 

Ironically, the world will never fully embrace the concept of animals with transplanted human brains.  A dog will never become president, although in 2544, 3-C World President Vlidma Johnson, will have his brain divided in half and transplanted into the heads of his cherished canine companions, Spark and Exxy, a breeding pair of English Pointers.

Years later, when asked if he ever regretted the decision which resulted in his immediate dismissal as 3-C World President, Vlidma Johnson replied,” I wouldn’t take back a minute of it, not for the world,” but later added that he hadn’t fully thought through the implications of becoming a breeding pair.

“The sex was a little weird at first,” he said, “but at least I knew what I liked.”

In the future, bloggers will be assigned an area of expertise.  More importantly, all bloggers will be assigned levels of consciousness, which will function somewhat like a governmental hierarchy, somewhat like a cluster of interrelated souls.

For instance:

I may find myself assigned as an expert on, say, wet sidewalks.  I would then be expected to write prolifically about all aspects of wet sidewalks, which would, of course, relieve all other bloggers of having to do so.

Secondly, I would be assigned a position in the hierarchy.  Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that I have been assigned a position as a subconscious commenter on, say, Jo Spanglemonkey’s blog. 

What this would mean is that all of my writing would take place at the sub-level of Spanglemonkey, and would, no, I take that back . . must be worded in such a way as to not only reflect on Spanglemonkey’s assigned area of expertise, but also be worded in such a way as to reflect my own area of expertise, which in this example happens to be wet sidewalks.

Can you feel the efficiency in my vision?  Does it leave you suddenly feeling like you were born in the wrong century?

I’ve experimented briefly with my vision, and it holds some promise.

Pulled from a recent Spanglemonkey, and supplemented with my own, experimental responses.

Spanglemonkey:

Keep in mind that he worked for NIXON. For NIXON. Nixon! Do I have to repeat that? Nixon, the cynical bastard who resigned from office. RESIGNED. The man who disgraced the office of the presidency, whose cronies were evil evil evil. This man, who actually seemed rather a decent sort, worked for Nixon, and he is far more disgusted with the current administration.

Expert Response:

Nixon’s cronies may have been evil, but what could be more evil then a wet sidewalk, I ask?  Have you ever tried to get wet leaves up from a wet sidewalk?  Now that will drive a man to resign faster then any disgrace in public office.

Spanglemonkey:

Today! Is the day I make a Master List. I will get my shit together and it will be magnificent.

Expert Response:

As magnificent as a wet sidewalk!

I, for one, am looking forward to the future.  If only half of what I see becomes true, I will be a lucky man.

Please note:

Those interested in having their own blog subjected to our harsh, futuristic testing procedures, should leave a comment here.  Interested parties should note that experiments have shown that not all blogs hold up well to the streamlined rigors of blogging that we envision in the future.  Results will vary.  Settling will occur.  After all, not everything can be compared to a wet sidewalk.

In the future, television shows will become obsolete.  For entertainment, people will receive live feeds from the nearest traffic intersection camera.  The cameras will be interactive, allowing people at home to see and talk with people on the street.  And all television remote controls will have voting buttons, giving viewers the power to rule on such things as traffic violations, accidents, and witnessed crimes.

And property values of large, suburban homes will plummet, due in large part to the success of the cameras.  The wealthy, seeking the entertainment of hectic, crime-infested neighborhoods with their well-placed cameras, will force the poor from the tiny, inner city apartments, relocating them, ironically, into the houses of their dreams.

In the future, the poor will soon come to realize that the dream of their lifetime has become nothing more then a long empty hallway.  They will pace back and forth with their children in tow, moving silently between television and window.  They will stare at a screen that never changes and a street corner that is forever silent, dreaming of a time when life felt more full.

In the future, innocence will always be exposed as false.  Classic television will serve as valuable training films for what went wrong, and thousands of family photo albums will be on display around the country, documenting and carefully explaining the relationship and history that existed between crime and false innocence.

Classic photographs, such as these (circa 2004), will be used to explain everything from tardiness at work to road rage.